Current mood: Unknown
The semester is over, done, and I have taken my finals, finished the work and I am now waiting to get all of my grades back. While the stress of classes is now off my back, and I have two weeks free, I am not happier. I am not feeling relieved. I don't believe that there is a shrink in the world that could describe my current mood and the way I am feeling with a single word.
Lets start off with the fact that I feel angry. I feel betrayed. Someone who I used to feel close to has cut off practically all communications, I used to trust this person. Now I can't anymore. It has become harder to ignore the bad, and just see the good. Really, I don't see why I should feel angry or betrayed about this at all. Maybe this is a good thing in the long run, shows me that humanity is not something to put ones trust into, that there is nothing good left. I am too much of an optimist to believe that, maybe I need to become more pessimistic. Revert back to my old habits of not trusting someone until they explicitly showed me that they were to be trusted.
I feel hatred towards a certain individual. For a multitude of reasons, but the most prominent one is the games she plays with peoples heads, the actions towards my good friends, and her attitude about the entire thing. We both keep it cordial now when we do have to interact. It is all an act, one that is well orchestrated and well rehearsed. Only my close friends know that anything is up, anyone outside of that would be led to believe that we are friends. I will say that although I once had a crush on this girl, it is all gone. Nothing is left. For all that matters now, she could go die in a fire. I would feel no remorse. I hope to move the feeling I have from hatred towards indifference.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference - Elie Wiesel
The argument here is that if you hate someone or something you are likely to expend a lot of energy and attention thinking about the person. And I agree with that, because I hate her, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about her. Trying to figure out why she did what she did, trying to find a way to maybe get back at her. I need to move on, and become indifferent about it, just let the whole situation go. It is out of my hands now, and just because she is sabotaging her own life does not mean I have to let her take mine down with her.
I feel relieved. I know where I stand now with several people in my life. I have figured out what I can rely on other people for and who I can rely on. I know that certain people would have my back that I did not think would, and that other people who I thought would have my back definitely would not. It is a weird feeling.
I also feel happy. Another school semester is over with, just have to tie up the loose ends here and there, but it is over with. I get a break, to enjoy. Not sure what I am going to do yet for two whole weeks, I know I will probably be spending some time at school working on a project I have going on. I just got some new hardware and I now need to write the software for this hardware and actually get it to work. I am also happy because I live with a bunch of awesome people, and Black Hat and DefCon were a blast. Being able to talk to people you live with is absolutely awesome. Especially since they are willing to listen, are willing to talk back.